73: Berylliosis/Damien Ant (feat. Ethan Jeffers)

Hello children you about to listen to

comedy podcast that means that none of

this is medical advice

if you need medical advice or medical

care

please contact your doctor previously on

the jock doc

podcast subscription boxes they’re very

very in right now

so we’ve already started our own box

company the jock doc

box we have some subscriber feedback

already

hello my name is damian ant and

i’m supposed to do a review of the

jockey dog box

it comes every day i didn’t have to

subscribe to it it just appears

it was filled completely with ants i

love ants and they like bring me

breakfast

and they clothe me i didn’t have this

suit jacket

until yesterday i didn’t buy it it just

appeared

with the box you can get one get one

introducing your host dr

london smith hello

and welcome to the jock doc podcast

where we discuss fitness and health

and how to incorporate our modern

understanding of science and medicine

into our daily lives but without it

being so boring

i’m your host dr londonsmith.com

i would like to begin by apologizing to

our listeners

we’ve received some feedback about the

excessive amount of technical medical

terms that i’ve been using such as

subepidermal anti-transglutaminase iga

auto antibodies and daylight savings

so i will try to temper my terminology

to a simpler one in the future

here to help with that is our producer

cameron hi dr london

hey i want to ask you a question how are

you today and that’s not just a greeting

i want to know how are you the real you

yeah hi cam normally you you come in

with this whole

thing of like everything you’ve got

going on like you’d

i don’t know that time whenever you

built your own outhouse

and would not come out of it for a week

you know just all these little things

you get into

and yeah it is nice to be asked once in

a while how i’m doing

wow that’s so and how does that make you

feel

okay well so i didn’t i didn’t actually

answer like how i’m doing

or yeah so i guess do you want me do you

still want me to answer or

are we i mean does that remind you of

anything maybe in your childhood or

anything you want to elaborate on are

you uh

no so i i honestly i still haven’t even

gotten to talking about myself yet

but i should i or are we

i i can’t technically tell you what to

do i’m just here to

maybe ask some questions and to listen

okay i guess

anyway so that’s um thank you thank you

cameron for

contribution uh i am and how does that

make you

feel right now i guess

ignored a little bit a lot actually

yeah okay you agree did your parents

ignore you a lot growing up yeah some

but

um i don’t know how does that make you

feel uh

well right i think it helped me to be

the person i’ve become so if that’s uh i

think that that’s a

pretty positive thing and how does that

make you feel

dr london well okay think about it in

terms of your childhood

yeah i think we just go ahead and move

on from there i’m not sure that we’re

really

covering any new ground with that

patient

is irritable and

erratic all right okay uh

all right so that that was our producer

cameron also with us is digital in the

house

nope nope nope nope nope hey i want to

ask you a question

how are you how are you

that’s not just a greeting i want to

know how are you

[Music]

does that remind you of anything maybe

in your childhood or

anything you want to elaborate on um

did your parents ignore you did your

parents ignore you

a lot growing up yes

and how does that make you feel

and later cameron tells me that we can

expect a special guest

is that something that you would enjoy

dr london

uh yeah as long as a special guest as

you know

someone is to really um you know be a

medical expert of some kind or bring in

some

you know research preferably like let’s

say we haven’t had a lot of

phds come in here so it’d be nice to

have something like that

um sony’s really going to bring some

insight that our listeners are

you know that’s what they’re come for

right so and does focusing on the guests

make you feel ignored okay i feel like

your questions are really

intentionally broad and just inserting

keywords

and how does that make you feel okay

before we move on i would like to

address a bit of listener feedback

so and this camera just for your

information

listener feedback makes me feel like i

am being listened to

so this is the response that we get

so does that remind you of anything from

your childhood

uh i get i think i’ll just read

or we’ll tell you about this first let’s

say in the present for the moment

so patient is confused

and tripping over his words

okay so previously

i mentioned that i had found an actual

physical mailbox where

fans had apparently just been leaving us

actual

real fan mail so this was a big change

from the usual methods of you know

sky writing and words written in blood

on the walls

but unfortunately when i went to check

that mailbox today

the neighborhood bully was holding it up

above his head

so i couldn’t reach it wow and that must

have really hurt you huh

well i’m well not not

this time he didn’t physically hurt me

the the bully but

but did it hurt you maybe in a

non-physical way how did that make you

feel

okay well i did do we have to talk about

the bully right now

you brought him up yeah this is dr

london this is your session

this is your hour you can talk about

anything that you want but it is

interesting that you brought it up

if i could i’m just going to focus on

the actions that took place

because my feelings in the moment

weren’t really the focus

for me yeah does that make you feel

ignored

no no it just makes me feel focused like

i said the word i used focused

you know interesting

okay so anyway um so as i said the bully

was holding up

this uh this mailbox above his head so i

couldn’t reach it

but one letter did fall out and i am

proud to say

that after the bully stuck it down the

back of his pants

and sort of smooshed it around a little

he did allow me to take it

so the note reads well hold on let me

just

it’s kind of kind of slimy here uh then

it reads quote

you still how does that make you feel

okay

but the note is slimy uh a little

disgusted

i guess and yet you committed to it

anyway

why is that well as i said the listener

feedback is

pretty important to me so that’s you

know i

i overcome these things because i want

to reach this goal of

reading it which i was trying to do okay

uh so now i’m going to present to you a

different scenario dr london

okay last week in our session you told

me about your

childhood trauma of having forest gump

leg braces

and um being unable to

play kickball like all the other kids

because you were just

waddling around with your forrest gump

braces

okay well you are you are changing the

story

or just for the listeners so i did have

the force gun braces but they were their

memorabilia item

and i would carry them in my arms around

they’re still very big and bulky because

they they’re in a sort of

preservation chamber uh

but yeah it really did affect my sports

and everything because i wouldn’t put it

down

you know like some kids won’t put down

their bottles or pacifiers

for me i had the force cup memorabilia

leg braces and you had bullies didn’t

you

so now dr london you talking about

bullies today and how

even though this note is slimy and

disgusting

you’re gonna commit to it because you’re

not gonna let the bullies beat you

i think that’s brave don’t you yeah and

yeah yeah i suppose i just you know

i i feel like you’re calling this a

session when really

that we just happened to have been

talking about something and i’m not

you know i didn’t i didn’t ask you to

take me on as a patient or anything and

i don’t see you as

qualified to do so and how does that

make

you feel uncomfortable

with with you in that in that role

anyway so interesting the note reads

quote

you still owe me 3.75 cents for that

parking meter i paid for when you took

me to the big city for my doctor

appointment end quote

first of all i would like to thank this

listener so much for their insightful

question here

on the jock talk podcast to to answer

the question though i

i feel like uh to this listener you may

have me

confused uh because so me the doctor i’m

the doctor

you may have me confused with your

driver but

perhaps you could consider forgiving

that debt considering the relatively low

cost

and the trouble the driver may have had

to go through to take you all the way to

the big city

so you think that this gentleman friend

of yours

uh isn’t isn’t worth the payment you owe

him is that

is that right dr london yes no so as i

said i don’t

i don’t think that that i that i owe

anyone this payment i think that

in this situation because it’s such a

low amount and

you just think that you should be able

to keep that that’s interesting no

no so i as i said i in that scenario

lacks empathy

thief that’s your that’s your diagnosis

it’s thief

these are just these are just free form

notes

okay well in any case um so to that

listener you

i feel like you may have just sent the

the letter to me instead of two

that you’re you’re driving also i hate

to bring this up because i know it’s

sort of awkward in a session like this

but um um your insurance did not work

last time

so if you can get with lisa on your way

out we can get that cleared up that

would be that would be fantastic

yeah once again i’m not i’m not your

patient but um anyway

so do this listener thank you for

listening yes

[Music]

now for today’s medical topic

borreliosis

berylliosis is an environmental lung

disease with both acute

and chronic forms both of which are

associated with exposure to

beryllium that’s breathed in as

beryllium at metal or alloys

which is classically associated with

working in the aerospace industry

uh along with you know ceramics computer

defense electronic

and metal recycling industries so

patience should be kind of reminds you

of someone home

maybe someone who also feels a little

exposed

uh exp i don’t i don’t know a lot of i

don’t think i know people

at least to my knowledge i don’t know

people who are specifically exposed to

beryllium on a regular basis

okay let’s let’s role play for a second

let’s pretend

that the role of beryllium yeah is

played

by dustin hoffman and let’s pretend that

the role of

feeling exposed is played

by tim taylor tim allen’s character on

home improvement okay all right so now

let’s imagine that thing happening

i’m sorry what was

[Laughter]

okay you’re just imagining it happening

in in the show

with tim it’s supposed to be a role play

exercise if you’re not going to take

these sessions seriously then they’re

not going to work which is fine you’re

the one paying for them and you

can do whatever you want whatever

happens in here i’m not but if you want

progress dr london then you have to

participate

go ahead go ahead with your alaska yeah

yeah uh

so um like i said uh

these it’s occupational exposures that

you’re you’re searching for with

berylliosis so

uh that can be the classic thing is

aerospace industry but

they can also be exposed with ceramics

computers

defense electronics and metal recycling

industries

so patients should be asked about those

occupational exposures

[Music]

an acute disease now do you do you say

patient should be asked about that

because deep down you wish

someone was asking you

that dr london no no because i

i don’t need to be asked that because i

already i don’t work in any of those

industries

so i can already dismiss it in my mind

because i’m not

that’s not a factor for me patient

is a fiber okay so so in acute disease

berylliosis

presents as a diffuse pneumonitis caused

massive exposure to beryllium in chronic

disease

berylliosis presents similarly to

sarcoidosis which

you know we’ve actually covered that on

the show before and this may include

non-caseinating

granulomas in the lungs uh skin lesions

and the presence of hypercalcemia

imaging may show

hylar adenopathy or reticular and

nodular lung opacities

uh beryllium lymphocytic proliferation

test is the initial diagnostic test of

choice for patients with clinical

or radiographic evidence of lung disease

and an occupational or environmental

history of beryllium exposure

i remember another little boy who was um

covered in skin lesions do you remember

who i’m talking about dr london someone

who maybe told me this in a previous

session

okay i i think that you’re talking about

yourself

right because you you talked a lot about

this

to me how you just and how does that

make you

feel i i mean as usual i’m

skeptical and concerned and confounded

because i don’t know how you got

those lesions uh especially like are you

usually so fearful of human touch

from from people with open lesions from

open wounds

yes yes i am so just touch it

no no it’s not like that’s

you still have that fear huh yeah but i

think it’s a healthy fear because

i don’t that’s an infected

you know pulsating i anyway so um

the the beryllium lymphocytic uh

proliferation test is the initial

diagnostic test of choice for patients

with clinical or

you know that exposure uh following such

a positive test the next test is usually

a fiber optic

bronchoscopy with lavage endobronchial

biopsy and trans-bronchial biopsy

however

diagnosis of chronic beryllium disease

requires all three findings of

a history of beryllium exposure a

positive beryllium lymphocytic

proliferation test

and one thing that i’ve noticed

sometimes about

doctors because you have you’re not my

only patient

who happens to be who happens to be in

the medical field

and one of the things that i’ve noticed

is that it seems to be

easier for you to diagnose

a patient with chronic beryllium

deficiency syndrome but are you willing

to maybe diagnose yourself with maybe

chronic

beryllium weakness in your heart well no

because i don’t have the exposure

that’s that’s sort of the basis because

you’re not willing to allow

yourself to expose yourself to people

might be a little deep it’s beryllium

that i’m

that i’m trying to avoid exposure to

because you’re unwilling to just open up

to people

expose your heart to beryllium yeah

no and i stay i stand by that kind of

makes you think huh dr london

yeah it well it makes me think oh good

idea because this is a

chronic lung disease so anyway so that

last point

uh the presence of non-casein and

granulomas and or mononuclear

cell infiltrates on long hair does that

make you feel ignored

this does yes i i feel like i’m very

you know i have one more sentence to go

before we’re done with this portion of

the lesson

and i really feel like if i can just

finish this then maybe we can move on

from

the therapy session you seem to but will

it be

just a single more sentence dr london

will there not be sentences after that

so is it really the sentence you’re

trying to finish or is it really

you uh

no it it’s just the scent it’s the the

you know the lesson plan that we’re

following is really

really what it is so so treatment for

berylliosis

acute or chronic is glucocorticoid

therapy

okay is that is that satisfactory to you

cameron

i i know judgments i i you know every

every session is a great session for me

as long as it’s great for you

that’s all i have to say

all i want is just a little growth in

each session

and just to remind you your insurance

you’ve got to fix the injury

because otherwise we’re okay

just talk to lucy on your way out okay

well uh

yeah let’s let’s go and move on from

there though

uh well cameron you said that we have a

guest today is that right

that’s right dr london and if i may add

i think that this might be one of the

best guests

we’ve ever had on this show okay so it’s

uh it’s a

i guess a practicing physic or a

research doctor a clinical scientist

uh i mean it’s he definitely has a car

he got here okay that’s

well i guess i guess uh well hello there

um my name is dr londonsmith.com

hello my name is damian ant well welcome

to the jock talk podcast

so what what brings you the show uh can

i call you damien

you can absolutely call me that well you

see a few

at this point months ago maybe longer i

got sent a box

filled with ants what do you know oh

yeah

okay this is you yes this is me

oh the ant guy the ant guy yeah

can you catch our listeners up on what

happened last time

well what happened last time was i got

sent a box

filled with ants i tamed the ants i

trained them and they brought me a suit

and now a top hat as well and they make

me food every day

yes okay so so cameron’s

what appeared to be a horrible attempt

you know a subscription box thing i

think it was

turned out to actually be helpful in the

end

it’s incredibly helpful you know

surprisingly you’re the only person i’ve

heard

feedback from this is this is incredible

this this really excites me

really that’s surprising and me and can

i call you mian

uh sure me and so i i mean i want to

tell like i want to hear how has your

life improved

since these ants came into your life

well my life is improved i’m now making

money

i used to not make money now i make

money

okay and out of what i honestly don’t

know

the ants just bring me money every day

okay so so you don’t make money so much

the ants gather money for you the ants

gather me my money and bring it back to

me well he’s still

making the money as the uh owner of this

operation dr london i mean

is you know the ceo of coca-cola does he

know every single can that gets sold no

of course not

he just cashes that fat check at the end

of the year

but he does sell something he he sells a

product

and then receives i’m sure the ants are

doing something legal

i get to be fair i don’t know how many

laws there are against

or or what protections are in place

against and

well i guess would be thievery probably

right

well i mean that’s just rude of you to

instantly assume

doctor i i’m so sorry to our guest i

i mean i’m i mean are your aunts i’m

sure they’re nice kind ants that

wouldn’t never rob anyone right

no of course not why would they ever do

that yeah they’re nice

ants i mean are these like do they have

individual personalities do you get

along with them

yes i know all of them there’s jeremy

james charles henry

ellie jessica

patricia now i want to ask about

patricia

really quickly patricia she’s

annoying i’ll put that uh out of

everyone she does the most work though

i can’t get rid of her oh yeah so it

kind of balances itself out i mean this

is interesting dr london are you not

interested in this

yeah like it’s there it is fascinating

to hear that someone

finds a way to communicate with and then

command control

uh an apparent army events like this the

room is covered right now

and like i the

i’m glad that you’re commanding them to

at least keep space

a little space around the lights so that

we can see each other

but otherwise the the ants are just

covering everything right now oh yes

they do that yeah uh so so that there

are

ants everywhere and i love all of them i

know all of their names do you want to

know more ant names

yeah a few there’s andrew aaron uh-huh

nathan uh-huh uh-huh did i already say

jeremy i think i already said

jeremy let’s see who will where else are

they

uh do jeremy and nathan get along they

get along great i think they’re siblings

i’m like

90 sure confident that they’re siblings

oh yeah some people you can just kind of

tell you know yeah and you’re you’ve

known him for this long so be awkward to

ask

it would it would it really would now it

sort of sounds like that while these

ants are like around you and follow you

do you control the ants or not because

you you know

one you just let them do their own thing

and just come back with money

so it doesn’t sound like you’re

controlling them and then right now when

we’re talking about how there’s ants

everywhere your response was sort of

just like yeah there sure are ants

everywhere

yeah well you see i can speak to them

telepathically

oh really huh i can only speak to ants

telepathically i’ve tried grasshoppers

they don’t work grasshoppers are jerks

are you sure they’re jerks or that

they just can’t communicate with you

yeah i feel like that’s rude to

assume if you can’t talk to them that

they must be a jerk

you see they eat my ants therefore they

are jerks

yes i don’t need to communicate to them

yeah i guess like if i imagine let’s

assume that someone was eating london

what would you do oh don’t he’s he has

tried to make this happen before

and and like had so many cameras ready

uh we because i was trying to put it

i was i mean i was live streaming it was

like a twitch thing

yeah like i’m just glad that it was

well it was sort of an attempt at a

robot thing that he made

uh but it was an animatronic what

yeah it was more of a bucket i had i

had no i had built i had built a machine

whose purpose was to convert human

matter

into energy by consuming it now i only

got

as far as putting a bucket on top of

like a second bucket

but that does not mean that that’s what

it was

do you you understand what i’m talking

about i completely understand i’ve tried

making machines before and it just

doesn’t work i can’t just put a bucket

on a bucket and it doesn’t it

will work my what i’m working on will

work eventually i just haven’t

reached that point yet but

yes i’ve tried to create something that

would eat dr

london and my feelings on it were

like i think hungry i think i think

seeing someone else eat him made me

hungry and so i think i like ordered

i think he wants to get some sandwich to

clarify

someone else eating me what he’s

describing is making him hungry was

me walking in the door and a bucket

falling on my head

there’s a bucket on a bucket yeah yeah

i’m sorry two buckets together

falling on my head and then i jus i took

it off real quick and then he was like i

i gotta go get some food and so he went

at the door as i was coming in

and i should clarify this isn’t a bucket

like inside of another bucket this is a

bucket

and a bucket like like a bucket sitting

upwards and then a bucket upside down

and then you can sort of clamp them

together to be done

yes you know what i mean

and so that that made me hungry

and isn’t that sort of the scientific

experiment

yes i guess now my question is

you brought all these ants here they

seem to be kind of at your command

almost in a way that seems threatening

what

why did you come here with uh was it

just to thank cameron for

the gift of your new life well yes

and since i have so much more free time

because the ants make me things and

bring me things

i’ve been developing a game oh

like monopoly or hungry hungry hippos

i call it caverns and queens

caverns and queens i’m really

what is the what is the ant portion of

this did they help you create this game

well yes in the form of giving me time

to make it yes

oh so sort of indirectly they did i i’m

excited for this

oh no are me and are me and dr london

like on the same team here

youtube will be playing okay

okay and i am the describer the one who

describes the scenarios

oh in this you can do whatever you want

assuming the dice allow it

[Music]

it sounds a lot like this is a game

where you don’t have to try to make it a

game because it’s mostly we do whatever

we want

then you just do whatever you want and

react to the situations that i put you

yeah this sounds like every day okay

okay so

it’s like living life okay well no cause

this is this

is you know he presents a scenario and

then we think about it and then we

do an action based on our thoughts in

real life

we don’t stop and think about what we’re

doing we’re just going full speed no

matter what

in whatever direction is forward

i i feel like that’s right a little more

you cameron

i try to be thoughtful and deliberate

with with a lot of what i do

i get i see where you’re getting

confused dr london because you’re

thinking of like video games or things

like that where you can sort of think it

through

whereas this is like real life like i

just go to work

and i’m i just i just go and i’m just

sort of flailing my arms about

and i’m just like on on forward motion

and then i fall asleep at night and i

have no idea what happened all day

and i feel like that’s the human

experience yes

which is in contrast to to this game

exactly now now you’re finally getting

let’s get into it yeah let’s try it two

of you suddenly find yourselves

in a tavern okay

you see people around you

oh god why do i keep ordering these oh

man

well i guess okay lots of people around

actually can i

can i roll if i should get another round

of drinks

you can do that if you want okay yeah

i’m gonna roll

all right you rolled a 14 what do you

think

what would on a 14 you think you want i

mean i guess that would be a seven and

seven right

just the math works out yeah

all right so i’m going to go ahead and

drink that so karen you’ve you’ve had

another drink

uh-huh uh can we say so we’re finding

our purpose i guess here so

should i basically ask around

for the if there’s

some some mission that someone wants

done

well you do see a person in the corner

with a hood

they’re just holding the hood they don’t

have it on okay i was gonna say i don’t

want to bother them

but uh if they if they’re just holding

maybe i’ll walk up and this is just like

the hood of a hoodie

is this one of those so you know like on

a jacket sometimes you can like

they’ll have like a zip off hood it’s

just the hood of one of those

yes it’s one of those okay so i want to

look around the room

for the other part of the jacket all

right i’ll have you roll

a persuasion check

you don’t see it anywhere surprisingly

dang it i was hoping we could find the

jacket and like win this guy over

can i make the same attempt you can make

the same attempt

you see it he’s wearing the other part

of it okay okay

so i guess okay so i would like to walk

over to him

and say yeah and let him know

that his hood is missing and he should

he should reattach it

this hood in my hands

i see it it allows me to control

ants i do not want the ability

uh can can i have the hood yes

he hands you over the hood he’s just

holding it yes

an outstretched arm waiting can i

can i put the hood on or do i have to

hold it like it always has to take up a

hand

you must wear the hood

okay okay so i can wear it okay so i’m

gonna put the hood on

as you put the hood on nothing happens

cameron you look ridiculous you should

you need to get the jacket that goes

with it

oh okay so let me ask the the main the

formerly

hooded man uh if i can have his jacket

as well

very well you will roll the man

looks at you looks the hood wearing it

looks at the hood you are wearing

he starts to take his jacket off and

hands it to london that’s fair

yeah okay so i have the jacket now i

guess

we’ll just cameron we’ll just switch out

every once in a while who gets to wear

because i mean the logical thing would

be i would give you

the hood but then that makes me wonder

if i miss out on the fun so why don’t i

give you the hood and then you give me

the jacket

yeah yeah that’s right okay let’s do

that you swap your items

you put them on and nothing happens okay

well

every day can i roll to see if i’m able

to button the jacket or if it’s too

small for me

very well you it does not have buttons

you can zip up the jacket though okay

so it okay so it’s not too small great

great

it is a really good fit i zip up my

jacket

excellent excellent excellent i’ll i’ll

uh write that down

okay i guess next okay so we should

probably get drinks right

well that now what i’m thinking is if

there’s a girl here

and i don’t want to like that should

that’s my preference i don’t know what

you

but like i don’t know maybe we could

impress someone

with the newly acquired clothing

and maybe get a phone number okay

so let’s uh let’s let’s scan the room

for babes can we do that

you can indeed scan the room for babes

you find some babes

kevin you got a better eye for babes

than you do for jackets

should we switch no i just whenever you

looked for a jacket before you couldn’t

find it

then whenever i looked for a jacket it

was easy oh i thought you were calling

the jacket

ugly and that’s why you and that’s why

you were so eager to switch

well it’s hey let’s let’s go to these

babes though right

well no i mean does it i mean it zips up

so it’s not too small

walk over to the babes you walk over to

the collective group of babes

okay and and how many are there

there are four babes

okay well so now i’m gonna uh

lose um some of my uh initiative here

and turn around because i’m pretty

intimidated now

i challenge the babes to what

a fight very well then i will

then it’s time to roll initiative okay

you have you were going first

okay i destroy all four babes

very well how do you want to destroy the

babes

uh jacket oh yeah my jacket

i suffocate them with my jacket

interesting as you suffocate them with a

jacket

they turn into ants oh

is that good or bad i don’t know wait

let me try to con

i try to control the ants we need to

both at the same time

try to control the ants i don’t know if

i want to though

but that was the entire point of getting

the guys

okay okay okay okay okay so i

london and i both try to control the

ants

very well london since you have the hood

you are able to control the ants

okay uh so when you look at them you

start hearing their tiny ant voices

what just happened to us where are we

why are we like this

how do we get turned to ants i answer

each of them

specifically individually and say

you know hey sorry what’s up uh

i don’t know what this guy’s doing i

don’t know him

but uh how are you today

well we were good now we’re ants

cool cool i introduced uh

to the ant that was questioning where he

came from

yes that ant is now a devout follower of

the lord and savior jesus christ great

okay perfect

can i um make all the ants turn back

into

uh babes again once ants they are

forever ants

okay well wow okay that’s there’s a bit

of an

ethical dilemma there okay uh so

i want to once apologize to the ants now

that i know what i’ve done

and asked them to join me on my journey

oh are we going somewhere uh probably

fans have nothing better to do they join

you on your journey

yeah but once again nothing weird

nothing weird it’s you know

uh okay you now have four aunt babes

okay oh so it’s four ants total uh are

the ants

normal ant size the ants are ant sized

okay

i try to ride out on one of the ants

anyway even though you just told me that

they’re not giant

very well as you attempt

to ride out on an ant it grows in size

and you are able to ride the ants oh wow

that actually worked out perfectly i was

kind of see this

is this is usually how i operate in life

london i don’t sit back and think like

is this going to cause me to

squish the ant or anything like that i

just kind of do i just kind of open my

mouth and things come out and then

things

happen usually to my benefits yeah but

usually

like you know you turn like to your

benefits sure but then also like

four strangers women who

you know were just at a bar probably

looking for a good time around a tavern

uh they get turned into a

species of you know a different creature

that you know an ant

i whip the ant so it goes faster the ant

immediately doubles at speed

you are going at a lightning pace

out of the tavern i guess we need to

figure out like a direction dr london

can you

can you ask a question to help us figure

out like what we’re doing

yeah well i don’t i don’t think the ants

will know but maybe i’ll

oh i will also get on one of the ants

and then i will ask the room uh

like have ye a quest for me we have ye

quest for guy

well the whole room said that in unison

they all have a separate quest for you

okay uh okay so i’ll just

let’s see and i hate to do it

through this method again but uh

any any babes specifically asking

roll for babe check yes you find

no babes that’s that wasn’t going to

happen okay then

um could i check for just the ugliest

person there

or ugly purse you find the ugliest

person you’ve ever seen

yeah that’s my luck okay um so i asked

ask the ugly one um what what is their

quest

i have a quest for you i require you

to go to the edge of town

and your journey would begin there okay

thanks uh and you so the quest

so the quest part is just going to town

and then

after that is the journey right the

quest begins at the edge of town

the quest part is from the tavern to the

town

and then the journey began yes

okay yes okay so

so i’m i’m hopping on this yeah i’m

still still riding this ant so i’m gonna

say you know

um i’m gonna recommend

a good skin cream to this um

uh this ugly person and

um i get can i can i roll for how they

receive the recommendation yes

i will go buy this skin queen you speak

great great you know with that he leaves

the tavern

great okay so anyway we can go let’s go

to town

okay i ride directly behind

london to reduce wind resistance

so my my aunt is less tired than uh

london’s

our two spare ants are riding on the

back

of my aunt yeah weighing you down all

right so we

we at the edge of town then or to at

town

yeah you get to the edge of town and you

see this edgy looking person

walking in okay so i i hail the stranger

and say you know what up bro awesome

brother what’s going on with you

uh not much homes

uh so we were told to go here for

quest do you know no no no no

sorry sorry sorry my colleague is

confused london the quest

was getting here now it’s the journey

yeah the journey yeah i know all about

the journey

okay we make some good music yeah

um yeah so could you tell us about

uh so i guess it’s a musical uh

endeavor that we’re about to go on ah

nah man

i’m not gonna go see the journey no no

what you gonna do is i see you already

started it by getting those

ants i need you to accumulate

an army of ants so we can burn this town

this town’s anti-ant i ain’t about that

we gonna burn this town

okay so well i g i guess let’s

start by beating the crap out of this

guy and turning him into an air right

yeah that i think i feel a lot more

morally okay with

with you throwing your jacket on him

yeah okay so well we gotta i challenge

the

uh the sketchy edgy guy

very well i’m going to roll he goes

first

oh no he pulls out a gun oh no

my the ant that i’m writing jumps

uh jumps to try to stop the gun

the gun is stopped it’s on the ground

yes

cameron it’s your turn okay i wanna

i i think we need i need to get into

like a defensive position

so i used london and his ant as a human

and ant

shield okay then i use my

hood to um force cameron’s ants to bring

all of us

into a an offensive position going

forward

into this edgy guy it’s now the edgy

guy’s turn he pulls out two more guns

i unzip part of my jacket because it is

a little tight

either you give me that army of ants or

i shoot both of you right now

okay well i mean so just to clarify mr

edgy man

uh this is for ants this i wouldn’t

think of this as an army

no i need you to get me more ants okay

that’s why we’re trying to turn you into

an animal no i need to live through this

you’re saying that this isn’t living

well no the ants are still alive with

just their ants i need to be a person

through this

oh that’s that’s pretty mean to the ants

um i don’t think yeah

that like one life is better than

another i guess that’s just interesting

i don’t know i didn’t think you’d use

that kind of guy i guess

i command no no no i don’t care how you

get the ants you can go to normal ant

hills and get ants from them

or you can turn people into ants it’s

really your choice i was just saying

like if you actually wanted to commit to

this cause as opposed to just being all

talk then you would turn yourself into

an ant

yes would you like to roll persuasion

yeah i’d like to roll to see if i can

convince the guy that he turns himself

into an ant

you know what he he drops the gun he

takes off his jackets which is filled

with more guns

he drops it all right turn me into that

ant baby

camera and a five me don’t give them the

sense of action

uh hmm let’s anify them

we antify them okay you antify

the edgy man you now have an edgy ant on

your side

along with on the ground a jacket full

of guns

i put on the jacket because i don’t have

a jacket on and it is chilly

you now have the gun jacket i

toss all the guns out because they’re

all cold okay i pick up

all the guns obviously

well as you toss the guns out of the

jacket they disappear

oh worth it london we could have used

those to threaten

the town’s people into becoming you just

keep tossing out guns

it’s not possible there can’t be this

many guns

okay okay so it looks like we have a

problem of a never-ending gun

depository repository so um

cameron i think maybe we shouldn’t be

doing what this guy

said by killing the town that’s actually

where where i had a problem

you think we should switch the hood in

the jacket

no i think we should like maybe find a

different quest

because killing an entire town of

burning it to the ground doesn’t sound

you know moral or ethical or even lawful

to me

i challenge dr london

okay very well we roll initiative

london you are first okay well i have

the hood on

so i used the hood and the gun jacket

i use all the ants to strip away

uh cameron’s jacket and pin him down

the ants do not successfully tear away

the jacket

or pin him down i feel good about what i

did

i i swipe london’s gun jacket is that is

that an option

that is an option i’m going to roll

attending strength checks again

you do not successfully swipe the jacket

i take a gun out and throw to the ground

again symbolically saying how i don’t

you know condone violence you throw the

gun to the ground it disappears

but the message is conveyed cameron

what’s your response that was your

entire move well i like i can’t take it

back at this point

now i know i’m regretting it a little

bit cameron it’s your turn

yeah i’m just gonna bash london on the

head with like a hit like a big

hammer the big hammer

yeah all right you’re gonna roll the hit

you miss with your big hammer it’s very

unwieldy

and almost makes me wanna prove a point

again

uh but instead i’m going to

use my hood to summon one of the ants

and

ride it away at the same time if i can

i’m going to use the hood to stop

cameron from riding in one of the ants

grows into size the other ants

hop on and you get on the ant that is

your turn

um i i brand london a coward and

convince all the townspeople to call him

that

you successfully convinced the entire

town that your friend

is a coward i mean i think that’s the

end of my journey right

that was that was all i was trying to do

finally talk some sense into these

people

let’s see i i take my jacket and

i i find that so

this town doesn’t have like a chief or a

mayor

or something like that there is no law

in this town

it is only anarchy while london’s doing

this can i kick up my

kick up my feet and relax and have like

maybe a margarita

sort of as a celebration that my journey

of branding london a coward is done

yes easy enough to do the margarita is

delicious

okay so i take out some guns and i shoot

in the air

uh 20 times however

and i say i am the king now i’m going to

roll you an intimidation check

the people believe you to be their king

yes

i remind the people that he’s the coward

from just a few minutes

just five minutes ago yeah but he has a

gun why would a cow would have a gun

that is very true the bravest people do

have guns

now to i think to finish up my part of

the quest

i saved the town by for one thing not

burning it up but then

also by um commanding the townspeople to

dress cameron in a jester’s costume and

put him in the uh the jail

the people do not do that okay okay okay

okay i

i thought too much myself um they’re

calling you the coward king

king of cowards what just because i

won’t shoot them

the people begin screaming anarchy and

burn everything to the ground

ah you know maybe maybe that

that guy was right

the the ants that we have now um maybe

there was a reason why he wanted to burn

this town down

the human consumption robot that i built

tries to eat dr london the unit is

chasing dr london with hungry intent

that doesn’t sound familiar okay so it

can chase me that’s new

uh i take out guns and start shooting at

you begin shooting at it it seems to be

immune to the bullets the technology is

too advanced

then i take my jacket off

and hand it to the robot

and declare him king the people

begin to declare the robot king

the great mighty robot king what will he

ever do

he’s still chasing you though oh okay

that’s that’s not that helpful okay well

then i i hop on to

and now he has guns and it sounds like

an entire

country behind him yeah okay so i

i hop on to one of the ants and right

away

you begin leaving at a lightning pace

people are still yelling at you about

being a coward and the robot is shooting

at you

unfortunately for him you leave its

[Applause]

area of anger aggression

territory what have you

and then if i could just get another if

i get a strawberry margarita

with salt a babe brings you a margarita

with salt

i mean this really could not have turned

out better honestly this is

i mean this is just sort of how i see my

real life honestly

yeah i wish i hadn’t left town so i

could at least you know partake even in

the visuals of it but i am gone now

oh i mean you wouldn’t it’s not like

you’d be hanging up with us dr london

you’re the coward king

like howard king king of cowards

yeah okay well i guess i think my part’s

done

i we we did the the quest

the journey was completed um

and a king has been put in place that

it sounds like his reign could actually

last forever because he is

a robot so i guess we did it

congratulations quest completed

game over you win wow that was

damn man can i call you damn man sure

damn me and that was i mean that was

incredible this

everything that happened today all this

amazing this amazing journey that london

and i can

win on you can have it in your home

today

just for three easy payments every

single month of 29.99

when you order ant box wow

you know before we finish here uh i just

remembered we have chores to do

we have this thing we basically for the

podcast we put this off for a long time

we have all these chores that are piled

and so we compiled them into uh spokes

on a wheel

so we have this chore wheel that we spin

and then we find out what the chore is

for the day

damian can you can you use your ants to

go ahead and spin the chore wheel for us

sure

[Music]

all right and okay no i didn’t i didn’t

want to have to do this one

i wish we’d had it last week um

no we can we can we can do it this week

okay uh so we have to do it that’s the

problem

yeah i told you to not put seasonal

yeah yeah chores on the wheel i knew we

were gonna run into this issue okay

yeah okay so so we have um our it says

halloween costumes

so uh yeah so i guess um

and it says specifically on the card

describe your creative halloween costume

that you’re wearing right now

yeah which like had we done this

at the proper time nevermind we could we

can still work with it we can still work

with it okay

so this just seems like bad planning

i’ll be honest it’s

asking dr london to plan anything is

like asking me to plan anything

it ain’t gonna happen nope well i mean i

you know i’m i’m wearing my costume

today

i’m wearing um um you know i’ve got i’ve

got

jeans so i’m sort of like a denim

um like a denim ghoul like a denim

ghoul is that i mean dr london is this

is this is this it is this the chore

yeah i think i mean who commissioned

this chore

yeah so this was uh this is the local uh

parks and rec

center and they were really emphatic

that we needed to do this

and that people could be harmed if we

didn’t so like i

like i’d like to play it funny but we

have to be

very serious about this okay well i’m

the denim monster um

i eat all f all other forms

uh i eat chinos and i eat khakis

because they you know they’re not denim

so they’re they’re different

uh i mean dr london i i i you know i um

um you know i

i have zippers for my eyes

and i actually is this i mean this is

scary to anyone is anyone going to give

me like candy for this

i’m very afraid right now i mean i think

i did it

okay um okay uh

let’s see damian would you like to go

next uh just you know share a little bit

about what you’re

well i am i i am the ant

king i have a top hat

uh my face is apparently an ant

and i have a suit jacket on yeah he he

was already kind of dressed to the knot

yes

i admit that he’s the only one who’s

really ready for this okay

okay but no i’m i’m ready to i’m ready

um so oh dr london your costume is so

scary what

what is it yeah so as you can see i’m

wearing

um these these kind of uh ankle length

black socks with these sock guarders

holding them up

and that’s yes terrifying yeah and

that’s so that’s part of it

um and i’m wearing uh

these cut off shorts uh that are

um uh well they’re they’re they used to

be scrubs but then i got into an

accident

so but but that’s intentional and so

that’s what the guards are attached to

that’s interesting i want to hear a

little bit more about this accident does

it remind you of anything from your

childhood

yeah i would like to know too about this

accident okay

okay so so you know how sometimes

you’re walking up an escalator is the

escalator going downwards and you’re

walking the other way uh yeah well

you’re standing on the ice

later and waiting for it to go up or are

you walking up the escalator as it goes

increasing your speed okay no it was

opposite direction so i was walking up

while it was going down but like

because it you can kind of have a moment

of stasis if you do like i don’t know

to me it’s pretty fun um so i was doing

that for a few hours the other day

uh and then and all these people were

kind of pushing by

trying to get by and then finally how

did that make you feel did that make you

feel ignored

the pushing by me no it seemed a little

bit rude though

for them anyway someone pushed me over

and i fell down a little bit on the

escalator and then my

scrubs got caught in the the part where

the escalator

uh goes back inside and

um i i tried to play it really cool

and say so so i yelled out about how

normal it was

and then basically

most of the the scrub pants were sucked

down and then i was left with

just the boxers with tweety bird

driving a nascar right that’s right

anyway so so i was down to just the the

torn up

tweety bird boxers showing all and

that’s why you are the way you are

huh yes it’s certainly this whole this

part of it

this whole thing the yeah well it’s

the takitaki part yeah so

so in any case so i got back to um back

to my costume here

uh so i have the socks and the garters

attached to the

cut-off scrubs and as you can see i’m

wearing

uh okay on this

very extremely related accident i am

wearing a crop top

uh and uh

and suspenders too because

the sock guarders would pull the the

scrubs cutoffs

you know down so i have to have

suspenders to pull them up

and what is this costume yeah what’s the

costume

so what what what what what does it make

it uh you’re like

[Music]

are you like a judge yes yes that’s as

i almost said sexy doctor for a second

but yeah yeah judge judge is the one

that i am

um judge jury and executioner

yeah and that’s what that’s what anyone

wearing uh

sock garters uh that’s what they’ll say

about them

um and you like having that kind of

power don’t you dr london

talk about that see i do have one

London Smith (.com)

73: Berylliosis/Damien Ant (feat. Ethan Jeffers)

The Life of London Smith In Video Form