hey kids you’re about to listen

to a comedy podcast that means that none

of this is medical advice

if you need medical advice or medical

care please contact your doctor

welcome to the jock doc podcast

featuring

dr london smith your one stop shop for

that

jock talk from a doc who’s been around

the block

introducing your host dr

london smith

[Applause]

hello and welcome to the jock doc

podcast

where we discuss fitness and health and

how to incorporate

our modern understanding of science and

medicine into our daily lives

but without it being so boring i’m your

host

dr londonsmith.com i would like to begin

by apologizing to our listeners we’ve

received some feedback about the

excessive amount of technical medical

terms that i’ve been using

such as salicylate toxicity and

wash your hands so i will try to temper

my terminology to a simpler one in the

future

here to help with that is our producer

cameron dr london dr

london it’s good to see you today ah

thank you right

you usually do not say that that’s i’m

in a good mood today i mean i

i’m a little sad because it is sort of

nearing the end of summer i know we’ve

got

a solid like three or four weeks left

but

you know we’re getting to the end of

summer and i’ve just had a i’ve had a

good time this summer i know it’s been

like a weird year

for a lot of people yes and don’t don’t

worry i’ve been taking social distancing

like

super serio like extremely seriously but

i’ve just had i’ve just had a good

summer

because a lot of people feel like

they’ve been sort of shuttered inside

and isolating this summer at least in

in the states what’s the difference

that’s probably true for certain types

of people and certain people who maybe

don’t have certain types of hobbies and

stuff like that

but you know you know just for example

like this this last weekend me

me and some friends but we’re you know

we’re social distancing of course we’re

keeping along

a lot of distance we decided to go to

the beach but we were like we were

social distancing like the whole time at

the beach

and so there was a gigantic crowd of

people there maybe like 20 000 to like

50 000 people

but we were i mean like we were all like

social distance like there was no

problem with the social distance and we

were all social distancing

um and so then we started doing um

beer pong and that it was like social

distancing like beer pong where

you know we’re throwing ping pongs into

each other’s drinks and then drinking it

but like we’re social didn’t seem like

the entire time and so then we were

doing like

beer pong and we were doing like a human

pyramid which was awesome because there

were like thousands of people

which so it was like a gigantic human

pyramid but we were of course like

social distancing the whole time

and so it wasn’t of course like it

wasn’t an issue in terms of the covet

stuff but we

you know we were social testing the

whole time and then after we did the

human pyramid with like 20 000 people

we you know got brunch and um

you know it was it’s a cool like new

kind of brunch

where uh you and a group of like a

thousand people just go

from house to house and everyone serves

a different

portion of the brunch but we were social

distancing like the entire time

and i don’t it was just a fun weekend

and i just this has been a summer to

remember

and i’m sad it’s it’s getting close to

the end doctor

i can’t help but think that when you use

the term social distancing

what do you mean by that because that’s

so simple we’ve been social distancing

i mean it’s social distancing like the

entire time it’s been a social distance

friendly

i mean these parties and these raves

that i’ve been going to

and these like cupcake wars that i’ve

been doing

and um these turkey trots there’s been a

lot of turkey trots lately

they’ve all been like very socially

distant and

uh yeah we’ve been social distancing

like a lot

um and it i think it’s been just been a

really fun summer

when you say social distancing do you

just mean like you don’t socialize

like verbally in the way that you used

to is that what you mean

oh no i just mean like we were social

distancing the whole time

yeah but so what do you mean by because

social distancing

oh you’re getting confused on the amount

of time it was the whole time

six feet apart that doesn’t seem

possible in a human pyramid for instance

that seems like you’re gonna be really

touching someone else oh and i forgot

about the mud wrestling

we were all mud wrestling we were

socially distant like of course

and it got to the point where so many

people were wrestling each other and

stacked on top of each other

that i think the people at the bottom of

the wrestling pit

died but not from covet because we were

social distancing

okay i just i feel like this like you

don’t know what social distancing

means that sounds pretty dangerous we’re

doing it the whole time

yes okay well also with us is DJ DYLAN IN

DA HOUSE

[Music]

it’s been just been a really fun summer

social distance

social distancing social distance

it’s been just been a really fun summer

social distance

[Music]

we’re doing it the whole time

social distance

[Music]

wash your hands i’ve had a good time

this summer i know it’s been like a

weird year

for a lot of people and don’t don’t

worry i’ve been taking social distancing

like

super super like extremely seriously we

were doing like a human pyramid which

was awesome because there were like

thousands of people which so it was like

a gigantic human pyramid

but we were of course like social

distancing the whole time

it was just a fun weekend and i just

this has been a summer to remember

and i’m sad it’s it’s getting close to

the end

oh we’ve been social distancing like the

entire time it’s kind of social distance

friendly i mean these parties and these

raids that i’ve been going to

these like cupcake wars that i’ve been

doing these turkey trots there’s been a

lot of turkey trots lately

they’ve all been like very socially

distant

and later cameron tells me that we can

expect a special guest

wow so do look forward to that that’s

true dr london

that is very very true uh before we move

on i would like to address a bit of

listener feedback this comes from

platypi podcast on twitter hmm

so i’m not familiar with that but um

they said i heard you’re

mnemonic for learning 9-1-1 but as a

brit

i have a question can i get a mnemonic

for 999

over here so first of all

thank you to plottiepiepodcast on tw

twit twitter for reaching out twitter i

can help you out a little bit twitter

dr london is the website where right now

ashton kutcher and the cnn news break

twitter are racing to see who is the

first twitter account to get a million

followers

and i’ve been watching this this race

and it’s been so exciting

and i i think ashen’s gonna do it i just

think ashen’s gonna do it but the cnn

breaking news twitter is so close behind

him i don’t know it’s gonna happen

soon okay so that’s that’s what

the twitter that whole competition

is who is asking us about a mnemonic for

999.

because to me at a glance on twitter it

just seemed like an odd last name

maybe it’s a british kind of last name

could be but i doubt it what they’re

referencing they’re wanting a mnemonic

device is that is

oh yeah what are they referencing drawn

do you remember in our first episode

actually cameron you struggled to

remember the numbers 9-1-1

in a sequential order for the purposes

of you know calling that number in an

emergency in the states

uh but 999 actually seems like an easier

set of numbers since they all match

do we do we have any tips for them this

is what this person needs to do

it’s less of a mnemonic device and it’s

more of just

using real world tools because in the

real world you don’t necessarily have

like oh a means this and b means this

and c means this

sometimes you need tools what you’ve

written down what you have on you

so carry on you at any given time a copy

a dvd copy of the omen and then at that

point at a certain point in the omen

666 has to come up i haven’t watched the

omen i don’t know but i

have to assume that 666 is brought up

like i’m pretty sure it was released on

six like june 6 like 2006 or something

like that right 1966 yeah

yes just carry that with you and then

just

flip it upside down and if you can’t

remember to flip something upside down

then maybe remember that a frown is an

upside down smile

okay and this is of course we have to

remember the audience so we are speaking

to the listener who is

the competition of ashton kutcher versus

cnn breaking news

which is twitter that combination is

twitter

and so if you if you find yourself in an

emergency

find a dvd player stick the omen in

watch it you know i i assume probably in

the first 30 minutes

the number 666 will come up at least

once so you know

sometime within the next half hour

you’ll get your phone number

and it’s just that easy so cameron’s

method or

the traditional method of just i guess

remembering it

um anyway well no you just bring the

omen and i really want to stress that

i’m talking about the 2006 remake i

think you said something about

the 60s it was really the 70s that

is garbage 2006 okay i just assumed that

it was released and the universe of the

original film

which again i have not seen i know for a

fact

that justin timberlake’s future love sex

sounds did not exist

whereas in this version which came out

in 2006 i know that it did exist

that makes a huge difference to the film

okay which you haven’t

seen yeah yeah

okay oh wait 2006 version yeah carry it

with you we we can go ahead and move on

from there

now for today’s medical topic kylo

thorax

otherwise known as lymphatic pleural

effusion

achylothorax is the term for when

lymphatic fluid accumulates in the

pleural space

which is located between the tissues

that line the lungs and the chest

whereas other pleural effusions which

we’ve talked about

those are caused by increased fluid

accumulation

chylothorax is typically more of an

issue of a

like a blocked drain so

cameron i don’t know you may have heard

of lymph nodes

so between lymph nodes there are

lymphatic channels

and one of those channels is called well

what are between those

uh well lymph lymphatic fluid

yes is within the channels if that’s

what you mean

so it’s okay but i mean what’s between

those uh

negative space maybe or maybe positive

i’m not pot

so it’s just it’s a fluid it’s so once

again you’re speaking about a subject

you know nothing about

you’ve never researched this you’ve

never even looked it up

all you see is the title of these

articles that you read on like

drdaily.gov or whatever

yeah so i mean lymphatic channel do you

you know about lymph nodes at least

right

nope that’s where you know they’ll swell

up during an infection that’s where

lymph is in between

no sorry that’s where lymph lives in

between those

and then there’s a lymphatic ducts in

between

yes the lymph nodes and then between the

lymph there might be like positive or

negative space i know all this stuff

right okay so uh

so one of those channels is called the

thoracic duct

and that’s you know spoiler that’s in

your thorax

uh a kylo thorax can be caused by damage

to this thoracic duct during a thoracic

surgery

but it could also be caused by tumors in

the mediastinum that press up against

the thoracic duct and compress it shut

or from hematologic malignancies the

average latent period between the insult

and the onset of symptoms

is seven to ten days uh symptoms may

include

shortness of breath increased rate of

breathing and that’s known as

tachypnea and other classic symptoms of

pleural effusions

rarely patients may experience

accumulation of fluid in the pleural

space

causing attention chylothorax which

leads to

you know rapid hemodynamic and

respiratory compromise

so anyway on on physical and i’m sorry

oh i just just you know i it this sort

of reminds me like this is a really

important subject that i’m glad we’re

covering because i think people don’t

focus on the thorax enough

because you think like oh this is just

the portion of the body where it’s kind

of keeping the important parts together

right like it’s keeping my head and my

antenna on

up here on the head part right and you

know it’s also something that like my

stinger is connected to

and people neglect that like hey the

thorax like

even though it’s more it’s kind of

keeping everything together and it might

be kind of boring blah blah blah

it’s really important to take care of

and i’m really glad we’re talking about

this today

yeah i just i maybe i should clarify one

point

that we don’t have you know

stingers or antennas if that’s what

you’re

getting at we do well if we have i mean

we have if we have authority we have a

thoracic region yeah

uh and we would have an antenna and you

might have a stinger i’m

not going to say everyone has a stinger

but obviously some people do

when you say obviously some people do

what what people what what evidence

you make it sound like you’ve seen it

well me and most of my friends oh you

don’t

okay well anyway on physical exam

patients may have

decreased breath sounds or shifting

dullness and if the patient has an

existing test tube remember this can

happen after surgery

uh drainage of 400 to 600 ccs

per 8 hour period is concerning for a

catalyst leak

particularly in post surgical patients

for diagnosis

chest x-ray can be used to spot a

pleural effusion but it’s more helpful

to rule out

other causes of patient symptoms and to

determine whether the effusion is

bilateral or on on both sides of the

lungs

if the etiology of the chylothorax is

unknown a ct

or mri of the chest and abdomen should

be obtained for evaluation

of the lymphatic vessels and to rule out

vascular abnormalities and or malignancy

and there are a lot of other imaging

modalities you can use lymphangiography

when the anatomy of the thoracic duct

needs to be defined pre-operatively or

when the side of the leak is not

clinically obvious

you can and you’re following this

cameron sometimes like

if you’re trying to go through a hole

your antenna will tell you that you

won’t be able to fit into the hole

because it’s like hitting the sides of

it but it’s actually

not the case it’s kind of like with cats

and whiskers sometimes you

can fit through the hole but because

your antennas are sort of pointed at an

angle it’s actually it’s actually uh

hitting a wider space than your actual

head

i think that’s really what we’re getting

to the heart of and sort of the

importance of

education in in medicine today okay and

you mean that

with regard to defining the

the anatomy of the thoracic duct that’s

what you’re relating to here

okay ducks have eaten i mean a lot of my

friends and family um

you know i mean any kind of my any of my

family that might have lived in in

hills um by pawns or anything like that

all right okay so ducks like to nibble

on it so

lymphoskintography is also bring that up

yes i sorry i shouldn’t have interrupted

you it sounded like that was actually

an important moment for you uh i’m sorry

to hear that no it’s fine it’s fine i’m

sorry to hear that about

about ducks eating friends or family of

yours i mean have you been have you been

woken up in the middle of the night by a

by a duck that’s you know 500 times your

size

and you your family’s antennas are all

just going crazy

because everything’s going wrong all of

a sudden and you’re like what

what did i do to deserve this yeah

you’ve never experienced

that yeah you don’t know what the ptsd

is like from that

okay so so lymphoskinography is also

useful for

localization of a leak evaluation of the

thoracic duct patency and

differentiation of partial from

complete thoracic duct transaction

terracenthesis and pleural fluid

analysis are the criterion standards to

establish a diagnosis of chyothorax

alternatively in a post-surgical patient

tube thir costumey output can be

analyzed pleural fluid analysis for

triglyceride content helps to confirm

the diagnosis of calorics

triglyceride levels greater than 110

milligrams per deciliter

that reflects 99 chance that the fluid

is kyle

a ratio of pleural fluid cholesterol to

triglyceride of less than one

is also diagnostic uh treatment can be

with conservative

means or surgery focuses usually on you

know treating the underlying cause

and it is important to remember that the

thoracic duct leak

also closes spontaneously in nearly 50

percent of patients

so uh and i don’t know how that

i’m not sure how that will would really

yeah this is what you were saying

most of that late ladder stuff is

irrelevant to me in my

family i mean like you know we don’t

really worry about disease too much in

my family because usually

you know the way we’re gonna get eaten

is by like a duck or a grasshopper

or something like that or maybe we get

starved out

because the grasshoppers ate all our

food or you know

something like that it’s usually less of

a

disease kind of thing but that’s fine it

doesn’t have to be about yeah and

i’m just glad we talked about the thorax

finally we don’t we didn’t put enough

emphasis on that in the past

yeah i i admit that i we haven’t really

touched on it

so much uh mostly because we you know

it’s not

we don’t normally refer i guess we we

have a thoracic area but we don’t really

call it the

thorax as often as you know the chest or

you know whichever area but yeah

yeah we can go ahead and move on from

there if that’s all right

sure okay

[Music]

uh all right cameron you said that we

have a guest today is that right

that’s right dr london we have a very

awesome

guest today you notice you notice that i

change

i’m changing up my verbiage a little bit

here

because i don’t want to cause confusion

because before when i was saying

incredible when i was saying

special i was saying all these different

kinds of guests you kept

assuming it was shaquille o’neal because

you’re saying well he’s the only person

in the world who’s that incredible

i guarantee you it’s not shaquille

o’neal and stop

asking because i see it in your face

london london

london it’s not shaquille o’neal i

promise

no it could be someone close i don’t

know we’re gonna find out

okay we okay no and i

no i almost no it could be whatever i

guess yeah

um so uh hello to our guest

uh my name is dr londonsmith.com this is

uh our producer cameron hello

uh what was your name you don’t sound

british london smith

london smith are you american uh yeah

well

citizenship-wise yeah cameron cameron

cameron

yeah yeah you didn’t tell me anything

about this being about foreign relations

you know i don’t have clearance well

okay is he american

look i’m gonna i’m gonna be completely

honest here and i’m gonna say i do not

know because i’ve been wondering

the same thing for a really long time

but i’ve been too sort of embarrassed to

ask

his name is london right i mean the kind

of it kind of assumes i’m

when i hear london i’m thinking of

fishing chips i’m thinking

rain and fog and you know victoria

cowardice

sherlock holmes uh harry potter’s dad

these kind of very important you know i

knew a guy like him

i knew a guy like him we met at an

international conference for

custodial engineers and that guy was

so dim he could not even remember the

emergency number for his own country

which was 999

couldn’t figure it out i told him i said

just remember when the germans bombed

your city

and you wanted to shout no adam in

germany use it nine

nine nine i never forgot never forgot it

by the way i’m um frank frank s harris

frank s harry thank you for having me

okay well nice to have you did you say

you’re at a custodial conference

yeah yeah i am uh well um

i am semi-retired i am a uh i guess

today they call it a custodial engineer

when

several years ago you might refer to it

as a janitor and

maybe before that as a cleaner but when

i started it was just that guy

you know get that guy over here get that

guy over here to clean up that vomit

before you know the vice president wakes

up that sort of thing

okay so it’s very high higher higher up

for janitorial work it’s it’s within the

work itself is not higher up i mean we

all

we all expel horrible waste from

three different orifices in our body but

you know the

the clearance is an issue because there

are some serious issues that are

that are being discussed and sometimes

dealt with

so i assume i mean probably a lot of

what you know is confidential because it

sounds like you’re dealing with very

important people even if you’re dealing

with

maybe like uh maybe not the highest

position

within these uh these these closed doors

but you’re certainly behind i’m sure

sure

yeah but you know a cameron after you

told me about your uh your

your little internet radio show here

that you do with the british doctor

i realized that it would be totally okay

for me to share some of these

confidential secrets because can’t be

that many people actually listening to

you oh yeah i mean it’s got to be just

us

like just the three of us i would say

the odds of another person listening to

this

are i i mean i don’t

how do i say zero in odds form is that

just zero

think about a solo project cameron we we

have some listeners right we have

the well because we have we track them a

lot

that’s that’s the only reason we have

downloads

we definitely have downloads but i would

say

most of that is through like trickery

through scamming people through

like getting into people’s computers

through you know borrowing their phone

when i see people out

because you’ll send things people in a

file form and then tell them to download

it and

they’ll you know get whatever i don’t

know

money-making scheme you have and then

they’re going to have the viruses

and then they’re going to have the fire

every download has viruses

do you people not sanitize

my god you call yourself a doctor

cameron he you told me this was some

kind of medical podcast it’s barely a

medical podcast he doesn’t know what

he’s doing and i

we’ve talked about his credentials

before they’re in question hey

now i’m sitting out there in your

waiting room sounds like a a movie show

i mean i’m we talking about star wars

kylo ren

you know i i don’t get it i don’t

understand

kylo thorax oh the lorax the dr seuss

book the lorax

hopefully dj dylan this week won’t cut

out all of our discussion about star

wars and kylo ren

because we do spend about 30 to 45

minutes every single week talking about

that but it never seems to make it in

the episode

so dj dylan we’ll see nope that’s that’s

our efforts to remain related i mean

half the podcast was supposed to be

about that but yeah

yeah but so i mean yeah dr london he’s

obsessed with the lorax he’s obsessed

with the lorax’s mustache

he’s british he spakes for the trees

and i can’t guarantee that he sanitizes

that’s an interesting question so

you you obviously have an importance in

your life about sanitizing items and

keeping things clean

how does it affect your day-to-day life

i mean is are all your friends and

family

super clean people also or you know is

that i

am a proud great grandfather

i want to say and of course i have

raised my family and they have raised

their family

to be prepared for a kind of crisis like

we are going through at this moment to

be aware of

hygiene and sanitation as a matter of

fact that’s the name of my first two

boys hygiene and sanitation

and yeah yeah they they got teased a

little bit in school but you know now

they’re both managers at a safe way so

it’s good it’s all good

they’ve reached a level that a lot of

people are never going to reach

and who’s laughing now sure i mean

they’re not a fake doctor like dr london

smythe

but uh you know they’re they’re i’m

proud of them they’re good boys

but the thing is i have worked in some

of the most

top secret agencies the nsa

homeland i’ve worked in the cia

i’ve worked for the bbq and i have seen

things wow and i’m sitting out there

and i’m hearing this man purporting to

be a medical professional

talking about leaky ducts

problems with ducks man

duct tape is your answer all this stuff

about the kylo ren’s thorax with the

accumulated lymph

duct block drains you need duct tape

it’s right there at the walmart

probably next to the register thank you

you didn’t even know that because

his bougie posh lifestyle would never

allow him to walk inside of a walmart

that’s who we’re dealing hold on hold on

hold on cameron

i’m boozy too so don’t criticize the

bougie i’m bougie too

well of course you are sir i didn’t mean

to offend here i mean i

i i think everyone’s bougie in their own

way oh it’s okay

uh bougie people are easily offended i

totally understand

i i did have a question you mentioned

that you’ve worked

at homeland um have you ever dug through

mandy patinkin’s trash

that television show was actually

a documentary say what mandy patinkin

has been working as an agent for the

government

since the 1980s

everything you’ve seen mandy patinkin

in has been a documentary

it’s like the truman show except in

reverse and self-contained it’s in

reverse

so we’re all in the bubble is that what

that means

that’s what you think

[Music]

i i definitely what i think now i mean

dr london what do you think of this i

just

i guess i’m not following completely so

i i don’t

get out to watch a lot of um i guess a

lot of homeland or whatever

uh really i just focus on the medicine

stuff so

you know as you were talking about with

the kylo thorax well i did work for the

fda

the food and drug administration so i

got to see a lot of medications as they

were being developed

including i mean i really really have to

say i was really enjoying what they were

doing

in connection with the pharmacology of

the mk

ultra program when the fda and the cia

were working together

just remember that next time you’re

brushing your teeth with your

fluoridated water

so wait you’ve been you’ve been working

you’ve been working like with heavy

clearance

since mk ultra which was the i mean that

was the 60s right well before that

before that was before that we talked

are we talking this was post world war

ii

i i began with the oss believe it or not

oss is that i was the guy yep us

the you’re the guy yep that

yep so wow yep that’s me i was the one

you know if this is an inappropriate

question do

you know you can just say that uh would

you mind if i ask you your age

according to calendar years calendar

years i’m

almost 86

but i did get exposed

to something when i had a slight uh

i worked on a contractual basis you have

to understand

at the beginning and i had to go out to

new mexico for a certain sort of cleanup

and since then i have found that

um how to say it i’m kind of

benjamin button and okay oh

i’ve heard about this yeah and this does

i mean this does track i mean as we all

know i

the government uses freelance custodians

for their cleaning crews they hire

people

every you know got to get a new contract

every season and then you ship them out

so you’re going to work on that kind of

contract level

people think about mercenaries in the

wet work you know going and

assassinating and killing and private

military

but people don’t think about who cleans

up

after them that’s right freelance

custodians

were you a child when you worked on

those early projects

because i’m thinking with the benjamin

button thing

i how old like how did you i guess

appear

at those times because now i’m just

wondering

at that time i was i was naturally the

age of 13 but i lied and told them i was

15 so that i could be their coffee boy

okay so wait then what age did you start

oh sorry you looked older at that time

that’s right okay

because so if when i when i reached my

120th birthday i began to reverse

[Music]

okay so when you’re saying you’re 86

years old you’re saying

you’re like 150ish

more maybe but i just look

to be honest i look 86

and that’s i look a good 86. i gotta say

there’s a lot of 60 68

69 year old women that did find this to

be a nice piece of meat

but oh you’re still baby it’s easier

well sure i mean my blessed wife she

went on to her reward

about 20 years ago oh okay on i’m

really sorry about that no don’t be her

reward was half of what i own

she’s very very happy [ __ ]

yeah she received half of what you owned

like in her death

no no she’s alive she sued me and then

divorced me sued me because i

gave her life eternal or the benjamin

button thing or whatever it seems to be

a sexually transmitted thing

and the problem was that she did not

want that because it reversed her

menopause and made her want children

again and

well let’s just say this i’ve got some

half

grandchildren running around that look

suspiciously

like the tennis coach down at the club

are they

also benjamin buttoning the children

sorry the grandchildren they’re pretty

young it’s hard to tell at this point

that is true

very young babies can look very

similar to old men can you can’t you

agree with that

i would say once you get about maybe not

benjamin button but it’s the best thing

i can think of you know

maybe it’s dory and gray and i don’t

know maybe there’s a painting of me

somewhere

so that accident in mexico that caused

all this

what were the circumstances for that i’m

sorry there’s a new mexico i i’m

i wasn’t aware so in new mexico it’s

between west mexico and

uh and greater mexico

never was a geography buff no

nobody is um we all make it up as we go

along we know that

uh no there was what how can i explain

this

uh was a certain branch of the military

had some um

highly advanced potential fuel

that they had gathered from let’s say

external source and come to find out

that stuff was acid and it was eaten

through every level

and so they could not figure how to stop

it it’s like if you see that movie alien

when they cut him and his blood starts

eating all the way through

it was eaten all the way through all the

way down level by level i mean you know

the

installations out there they’re like 40

stories underground so they call me out

there and this has been

not interrupted i apologize but i i need

to talk about this later with you dr

london this has been happening a lot

with my

the soda i’ve been making where if it

spills on the ground it starts

sort of kind of burning leaking through

to the bottom

yeah going through layer like i spilt it

on the eighth floor of a building the

other day it went

right down through to the parking garage

underneath uh

cameron buttermilk i was a buttermilk

okay

that’s what it was that’s what counter

accident

no no no no no it was absolutely an

extraterrestrial acid

it was actually some sort of alien urine

but the thing was

what you needed to counteract the acid

was buttermilk

okay all right and so i’m gonna make a

butter milky soda

this sounds great there you go right so

when i put the

i had to get in there and i had to put

the buttermilk around all of the

openings and stuff to neutralize the

acid and

there was some sort of exposure

long-term exposure to it

it’s it’s what caused my physiology to

begin to change so

okay so is now did it have did it well

did it have any other effects

beyond just your age like have you have

you seen any other like physical side

effects or mental side effects or

anything like that from

well i have um

i do have psoriasis on the backs of my

knees okay which i did not have before

i that could just be from i mean this

was this was like 40 something years ago

right

you’re probably right oh also ever since

that day

i find that i cannot bear american

situation comedies

okay that is really unfortunate

psychological as well yeah not a one of

them

not even the netflix things man not even

those you showed me four cameras in 22

minutes and my

i just want to vomit oh is it multi-cam

specific

well i mean that’s everything these days

isn’t it

i could bear the office but the humor in

it just made me uncomfortable yeah

right just too many cameras even though

it was single cam

you know cameron i was sitting i was

sitting

before this show i was sitting out in

the in the

jock dock plaza lounge just outside

and i was chatting with your lovely

receptionist rosetta

and she lovely woman by the way can’t

make a cup of coffee to save his life

but lovely woman rosette

so on her hands they don’t

they don’t bend around a mug properly

well her nubs

it’s because she’s got arthritis how can

a doctor have a podcast in a business

this size

and let his assistant sit out there with

rheumatoid arthritis serving coffee

dan dr london you should be ashamed well

that’s because but my point

if dr london gets a little too close to

her tries to talk to her too much then

she files a complaint with hr

which is me as she should yo okay

it’s good you have a procedure but you

were bringing up the movie the omen

did you know that also was a documentary

but that was more about the department

of health and human services

so that does make sense but i do

i want to talk a little bit more about

this transformation i mean you’ve

started benjamin buttoning a while ago

do you remember the exact year you

started

going backwards was 19

who was president he was nixon nixon was

president okay

okay so we’re talking about the nixon

years and richard richard richard nixon

not not his wife pat yeah or not nixon

jr either i mean

we all lived through nixon junior’s

presidential years and it was tough

but we got through it again again i

can’t stand sitcoms so i didn’t enjoy

what nixon jr yeah

now i want to hear a little bit more

about

uh i mean what happened after this like

you’re you’re working

your custodial services for the

government agencies you get spilled on

by some sort of like

alien substance of some sort was that

the end of the urine

was that the end of the story i mean no

one like

in the government that you were working

for questioned why you were aging

backwards

after you were exposed to this stuff it

was just well you just continued on

senatorial

a lot of things a lot of things happen

in the various government agencies that

are supposedly up there to protect your

interests as free americans and so

yes unusual things happen they are

documented they attract

i still have to go into the va and pee

in a cup

every 90 days and they don’t tell me why

but in exchange i have

a lovely compound with uh with three

homes and a swimming pool

you know which is not bad for a

freelance custodial engineer

does yeah i would say that’s pretty

great

whenever you’re living wise pee in a cup

it doesn’t it doesn’t burn through the

cup

like you know that alien urine like have

have those aspects of yourself your own

fluids

have those changed at all since the

incident no

i will say it if if you’re around me if

you live with me if you’re in the urinal

next to me you probably think i ate

asparagus and that’s every day now

but beyond that no okay so it just

stinks like hell

yeah you know i’m an old man people

expect me to sting

okay so you say you’re you’re uh you

know you’re partially retired you’re

that means you’re probably working

part-time so you’re still continuing

with your janitorial services right

one does not ever leave the company

you may know um so yeah i’m semi-retired

but

i have knowledge it’s not so much that i

know where the bodies are buried because

it doesn’t matter because the bodies

move around

but i do know how to get certain stains

and offensive marks

okay uh in in time i mean say for

example

that you have just solved a a formula

to to prove the existence of dark matter

and you’ve done it on a

on a napkin and then you know the the

hooker that you’re with

uses the napkin and the lipstick is

smearing the formula

so you call frank s harris he can get

that lipstick off without making the ink

run so you can still see the formula

and the hooker gets disappeared okay

this sounds very i clean it very

well well

well you there was an instance but you

know

the specificity is is definitely

interesting but actually dr london i’m

more interested in the last thing that

he

said right there hooker was that after

cleaning the lipstick

well after cleaning the lips the

hooker’s lipstick off the note that he

then

gets rid of he cleans

the hooker yeah which i said the hooker

got

disappeared yeah so so

i gotta know a little more about that do

you use

just i mean shout or do you use like

major brands for that disappearing

hooker

or do you use any sort of specialty

cleaner cocktail

invisible ink yes dr london finally he

shows a little bit of

of spine have you ever heard of the acme

corporation

of course right yeah road runner now the

thing is people don’t realize that it is

actually a real corporation

portable hole where else you’re going to

get a portable hole they’ve maintained

that

that patent well i get invisible paint

now you have to have an invisible paint

brush

but i get invisible paint i paint the

hooker

and then she goes about her day she’s

disappeared

okay so she is still sure she you know

she has to put on a little bit more

makeup if she wants to be seen

but there’s some advantages you know you

get to walk around naked and nobody sees

yeah

maybe you can get okay i’m still i feel

like i’m a little still

i mean dr london can i talk to you yeah

yeah just for for a second well sidebar

i need do i need to go out there with

with uh with you

yeah do you want to just play games on

my phone while me and dr london talk

real quick oh no no no i don’t i don’t i

don’t deal with them

them phones i’m i’m just going to step

over here and i’m going to talk to you

right now

okay yeah okay dr london yeah

okay it’s he’s talking about using uh

invisible ink on these people and they

walk away and they’re invisible

is it possible that when he’s talking

about like invisible paint brushes what

do you have he’s talking about something

that’s

not a paintbrush he’s talking about

something that’s uh more

permanently removing these people from

the earth like a

like an eraser like a or like a bigger

brush yeah like an eraser

shape shaped like a machete

or a gun or some sort of poison pill

yeah i guess like or a piano wire a

brush in the short

noose well i would say i would argue

that part of a brush

is shaped kind of like a piano wire at

the start it’s got those bristles

so if that’s what you mean okay so you

think instead of

just using a different item completely

he’s still using a brush that he’s

fashioned into some sort of murder

weapon

murder okay well this is the first i’ve

ugh you were insufferable let’s go back

let’s go back to the conversation

okay okay now frank

i got a couple more questions man i like

her i gotta tell you she’s all right i’m

gonna

i told her about the conversation she

thought it was great i’m gonna disappear

her later

oh it’s gonna be yeah uh i’m gonna say

she’s

busy she is skateboarding

later you you just wait cameron i’m

gonna sneak up behind you and disappear

you when you don’t expect it you gonna

love it nope

we’re uh busy skateboarding later but

maybe next tuesday or something like

that we can talk about it we can we can

reschedule a different time for

everyone sorry dr london you know what

well

dr london i’m not going to be

disappearing that’s kind of i mean

harsh because you kind of you kind of

blend and you kind of bland and you

blend in anyway i mean you look like a

woman had a baby with a vanilla envelope

yeah

so you know you kind of blend in so you

don’t really know

what cameron what’s confusing but you’re

not you don’t look like cary grant you

don’t look like a jacked cary grant like

cameron right

you know what okay what’s what’s kind of

upsetting to me cameron is

like i’m he’s already counting me out

for this treatment you’ve been talking

for the past

what two weeks every day about how you

wish you were invisible

you wish you could just sneak up on

people and today

you finally have your chance and

suddenly

you think it’s bad so that’s what i’m

confused about

i got everything i need in the trunk of

my car to disappear you right now

cameron

well i can take you out back and

disappear you if you want this is

this is i mean dr london you are right i

have continuously talked about being

invincible i

have talked about how fun it would be to

uh

hide on on at the top of splash mountain

as people go by

and uh just be able to wash and then

maybe like splash people when they’re

not expecting it

and i think that would be the best

nobody’s gonna let you on the top of

splash mountain

don’t you know that splash mountain is

the is where the

scientologists keep their antennae

you’re not gonna get up there

well that is i mean i didn’t want to get

into that in the podcast but that was

part of you can get on the matterhorn

you can get up on the matterhorn if you

want but not splash i can get up on

splash mountain don’t worry i’ve done my

like dianetics test and whatnot so i’ve

got

are you clear i not yet but i’m like

i’m like getting there i’m like so close

i need like 30 more coke tops like coke

bottle caps

and then i’ll finally oh okay so

i’m sorry to to change the subject

slightly

but i just want to make sure we cover

exactly so so what i thought you were

here to do

uh mr frank s harris i thought you were

here to explain like how to sanitize

things

uh you know with the with this virus

going around how to make sure we all

stay

clean and healthy and well i can

absolutely well i mean like i said it’s

something i raised my children

and i got to say cameron i was listening

to you talking about your weekend and

your beer pong and your 20 000 person

human pyramid and

i did a little bit of calculation you

and your group

took up five square miles for your

brunch yes if you were social distancing

correctly

yeah i mean so that’s what i want to

know did you take up five square

miles with yogurt unfortunately i didn’t

have a drone or any sort of aerial view

of the space so that would be really

difficult to measure

but i how can you properly socially

distance without a drone we were social

distancing like we were having a lot of

fun and you know it was a great time

i do i want to i want to hear a couple

more

secret cleanups though secret spills

that you’ve dealt with over your career

i mean let’s

talk about some real stuff right here i

mean john f kennedy well i wanted john f

kennedy was shot in a vehicle

i assumed someone had to clean up that

vehicle afterwards because obviously

they’re not just going to throw it away

someone’s going to use it is that i mean

were you involved in that clean up and

that

spill i was the one that had to supply

the gigantic ziploc bag to put that car

in

and that was oh because there was a

challenge yeah

it was evidence and we had to stay and

it went to it went to area 52. you know

it’s in storage

you know because well you know it’s

still a good source of dna for the

clones

the blood all over it you know and that

sort of thing so we still make the

clones

i gotta stop real quick we’re just we’re

just glossing over the clone

thing here who who jfk is being cloned

well not just him no not just him don’t

limit it i mean how okay

yeah how wide is this net how many how

many people are being cloned

hmm i’d say about uh

five percent of americans what five

percent of americans are the

are they all important people or is it

just

many of them are important many of them

are wealthy

many of them but most of them are just

genetically

good stock okay so

you made it clear that i’m not one of

those that be cameron would be

no no i’m sorry we wouldn’t be

interested in you we’ve already got our

cameron clones but thank you

wait a second this is interesting

in what way you’re saying i can because

he was just about to tell me

someone who’s exactly like myself

huh oh i was gonna say are you saying i

can marry someone

exactly like myself finally

well sure man the whole point of this

podcast i mean from the beginning was

talking to doctors and scientists and

trying to figure out how to clone myself

so i can finally marry the only person

who deserves me which is me

i will say though cameron your clones

your clones are completely hairless

that’s fine are you sure it’s kind of

cute

they do not have eyebrows they look

constantly surprised

i mean i would say they look yeah like

constantly going through chemo which

would be a surprise

pretty much and so

then you’ve got sympathy right there

built in

well i mean if you want to meet them

we can talk but you know it’s a one-way

trip okay

i mean well what do you mean

all right look i’m staying up here

because i believe

that we can get through this crisis

together if we can all get on the same

page but i’m not the only one to believe

think there’s a lot of people think

differently than me and there’s a place

and there’s a place where the clones and

the rich people are populating

to survive a disaster like this

and i mean and you’re cleaning up

they’re cleaning up what they’ve left

behind

i’m kind of like the bodhisattva of

janitorial custodians i could go to

nirvana but i stayed choose to stay

behind

and clean up so people like you and dr

bland here

can still have the life of a free

american what

dr london i’m gonna be honest i’ve done

a complete 180 on this guy i was pretty

sure he’s going to kill me before and i

he is no

i’m gonna disappear but you literally

become invisible

he’s gonna disappear me and i’m kind of

okay with this now all of this sounds

awesome

what are your thoughts uh i feel like we

kind of skipped over the um

you know the what i consider to be the

more relevant medical aspects of

having a custodial guest on the podcast

especially one so high ranking

um in his career but you know we have

run across a few interesting things

maybe we’ll just have like a i don’t

maybe we’ll send out a memo or something

for i just want to make sure our

listeners stay safe that’s all

but you know that being said we can go

ahead and

uh wrap up i guess unless real quick i

just want to say i think you need to

stop concerning yourself with whether or

not our listeners are safe because i’ve

made it where our podcast

is only audible if you’re going over 120

miles per hour

right so i would assume most people

listening to this show

are going very very fast in their car i

assume we have

quite a bit of like audubon you know

listeners i’m not exactly sure

but uh i will say as i was listening to

podcasts in preparation i found out that

the podcast player no longer works

unless i wrap my phone in a mask that’s

just to keep you safe

that is also true that yeah the london

made me do that i don’t you know i don’t

agree with all of that stuff but

well i just agree and i just think

all you need really is social distancing

like i did with me and my friends no i

think people should wear masks

masks make you look like a superhero

people should totally wear masks to be

superhero um

so uh mr uh frankess harris

uh as we wrap up is there any way for

our listeners to

reach you or you know follow up i don’t

know if you’re on social media or

anything like that

if you do want to reach me if you’ve got

a question what you need to do is go to

the website

of the social security agency and when

you go up to the change languages you

will see an

option that says frank it will take you

to a private message and

and i can probably give you some tips on

how to get that blood out of your shack

carpet

okay wow much easier than just

you know asking jeeves or whoever real

quick

one more question as we go out

alien residue i want to clean it up what

do i need to clean it up with

buttermilk that’s it the same with the

alien

p it’s just any sort of alien residual

yep even if you got aliens charging you

down and you got a cow nearby

point and utter in their direction and

squeeze

aliens are lactose intolerant

oh so this isn’t gonna science it’s not

gonna like defeat the aliens it’s just

going to sort of upset them yes it will

defeat them they will explode

yeah they’ll be uh yeah they’ll be on

the toilet where where

where ever okay so wear plastic

shoot buttermilk or whatever kind of

milk

okay um well thank you for all these

tips

mr frank s harris all right thank you so

much

yeah and cameron i’m gonna be waiting

for you out behind the building you

won’t see me

is that because you’re gonna disappear

yourself first

oh god no i don’t want to die um thank

you to

cameron our producer thank you to mr

frank s harris for being on the show and

sharing with us his custodial tips thank

you to DJ DYLAN IN DA HOUSE

i think people should wear masks masks

make you look like a superhero

[Music]

i’m sorry dr london but you’re kind of

bland anyway i mean you look like a

woman had a baby

this has been the jock doc podcast

see ya

[Music]

even if you got aliens charging you down

and you’ve got a cow nearby point an

udder in that direction and squeeze

aliens a lactose intolerance

aliens are lactose intolerant

[Music]

you wipe the sludge from your face well

you try to but this slime has a certain

greasy heterogeneous texture that is not

as amenable to the classic wipe motion

as you had hoped

well maybe meow you have finally learned

your lesson

when a giant bug crawls into the kitchen

and it just looks like one of those

delicious bugs that were famously eaten

in the lion king movie

the appropriate course of action may in

fact not

be to lift the bug over your mouth and

try to squeeze out the juicy insides

next time just bite the bullet and make

the stupid smoothie like everyone else

does

speaking of biting the bullet don’t

forget to leave a five star review of

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